i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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