Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
