He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
