how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
