Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
