That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
