So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
