omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
