Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
