i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
