She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
