two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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