I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
