I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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