if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
