Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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