Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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