How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
