I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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