I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
