I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
