how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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