My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
