allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
