her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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