you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
