it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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