The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
