i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
