I CAN MOONWALK!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
