Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
