I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
