just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
