My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You took a bar mat shot.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
