I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just pee around me
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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