Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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