We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
