What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
