dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
