I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
