dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
