But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
