Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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