just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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