Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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