I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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