That's when you crack a 10am beer
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
