im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I faked an abortion last night.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
