I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
