All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
