I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
